Dealing with a narcissist is by far one of the most challenging things I have come across in my life. I think it might be due to the fact that they are such a contradiction to themselves. They have no sense of morality. When my relationship with the narcissist ended…I felt like a used piece of trash. How could someone who was so infatuated with me in the beginning act as if I didn’t exist anymore? This is where the title of this post comes into play. Some things that we talk about in my abuse classes are called “red flags”. I sure missed a lot of them in my relationship with this guy. I would like whoever reading this to know that I want to use my experience to empower others so I do work as a sexual assault and domestic abuse counselor now. Hopefully, to prevent this from happening to other women. I never condone any type of abuse whether it be physical or emotional. While I say that to you I am thinking in my head that I would rather deal with physical abuse over emotional. The narcissist put me through such emotional manipulation that my mind was exhausted from trying to figure everything out. Just hit me and get it over with. But also, I will never allow anyone to treat me any other way than the way I deserve to be treated, which is like a fucking queen. But that is all a part of life, living and learning. One of the first red flags I encountered with the narcissist was an old phone that had pictures of naked females on it. When I had found this phone I was thinking no big deal, but to be honest, I am nosy as fuck. So of course I turned it on to see what was on it. I was thinking I would find good memories, or pictures that led to funny stories. But what I actually found was disturbing. In order to protect the identity of those involved, I am just going to say what I found was so disturbing that it actually made me nauseous. Keep in mind that a lot of narcissist are misogynist pigs who think women were created for sexual satisfaction and that’s it. Wherever your imagination is taking you right now, yes it was that bad. Although, if you have any sort of conscious I am sure your thoughts are pure just like mine were. So that was the first red flag, I waited for him to come home to ask him about the photos. When confronted, before I even had a chance to say how disturbed I was, it became my fault for being nosy and looking through his things. So, this starts the first act of me denying my intuition and doubting myself. I began to submit and apologize for “snooping”. In my honest opinion though, if you have someone that you “love” so much move into your house, you should be able to answer to everything they find. You are the one who is allowing them to be part of your world…is that not how a relationship works? Then, after the fight I ask him how he is feeling, and he says “about what”….about the phone?…him: “What are you talking about?”…..My internal thoughts: “What the fuck??….am I crazy?” Then, here comes the distraction….a kiss followed by a really passionate rendezvous between the two of us. Narcissists will use sex to distract from real life. Now some of you reading this might think “Stupid girl!” but keep in mind I had no idea what healthy boundaries were given my abusive childhood. During the sex the narcissist will tell you how beautiful you are and how they have never met anyone like you. And for someone who is so desperate to be loved, you will fall for it. Every. Single. Time. So, like nothing ever happened….we went on with our lives together. Every time the narcissist put me on a pedestal,I took the bait. I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. He flattered my ego. But remember, it’s a fragile base the narcissist puts you on. You must always be perfect. If you are anything like me, you are human, and definitely not perfect. In fact, you are far from it. Your flaws are what make you beautiful and you will soon come to realize that this picture the narcissist has for you is completely wrong. Red flag number two: the first outing together with friends. Now, the narcissist has a group of friends that are only there when he needs them…I hate to say it, but they are gullible friends who feed into his every lie about his extravagant life. They don’t question him because they don’t even know that they are pawns in his game. In their minds, they are so excited by his presence and charisma that they are intrigued to see his new girlfriend. And you (as his girlfriend) are excited to be a part of his social circle. This is it, you have made it! You have finally found someone who not only loves you, but they want to share that love with the world. They want to tell everyone about you and show you off like a princess. But you will be wrong. Any kind of outing with the narcissist will be about him and ONLY him. When the friends ask him about you, you will stand in the shadows while he explains. When you venture off and try to make friends of your own because he is ignoring you, he will cause a huge scene so the eyes are on him and you are the bad guy. Here’s what happened in my story: We are at a bar (I am still young) and it’s snowing outside so we are trying to huddle together and have some drinks with friends and have a good time. Suddenly, I start talking to someone else who proceeds to tell me that he just wrecked his car because of black ice and he’s drinking till his ride comes to pick him up. Sad story right? WRONG!! Here comes the narcissist “What the fuck are you doing!?”…Me: “Whoa, I am talking with him, he just wrecked his car…he’s really having a bad night.” the narcissist: “No! I saw you, you were sitting in his lap! You were hanging all over him!!”….Me: “What!? I was not! You were with your friends so I was having a conversation with him…I would never do that to you!!??”… the narcissist “Are you fucking kidding me!? I saw you…I can’t believe you would do this to me…I love you?”…Then, without even thinking the narcissist ran outside. Now, the friends who were so wrapped up in him, they weren’t paying any attention to you, but they will take the narcissists side because why would he have any reason to lie? After all, he loves you, he just got done convincing them of how much he loves you. So you sit there trying to analyze what just happened, while the friends will give you dirty looks and run after the narcissist…outside….in below freezing temperatures. You will tell that guy that you are sorry but you can’t talk to him anymore. You will look at your drink and think “Am I really drunk? maybe the alcohol is distorting my reality?” Bewildered you submit. After the friends have found the narcissist and brought him back inside you begin to console him, and tell him you are sorry. For what!? Well, for sitting on that guys lap obviously. The first glimpse of a term called “gaslighting”. Gaslighting is a term that means “manipulating someone in a way that makes them question their own sanity”. In an effort to calm the narcissist down, you will resort to anything because scenes in public places are not your idea of the perfect relationship. Also, you don’t want his friends to think harshly of you so while he is throwing a temper tantrum, again, you will second guess yourself and submit to his reality. Now I think by this time you (as the reader) have guessed that every time I use the word “you” in my stories, I am referring to myself. I can’t make this stuff up. It actually happened. I put that on my life. Blogging and re telling my story is a way for me to not only laugh at how crazy it was, but possibly save someone else from going through the same chaotic mess. Okay so back to the bar. After you (myself) have calmed the narcissist, the mood is killed. So, the two of you venture home while you are sitting int he passenger seat quiet. Replaying what just happened and also waiting for the narcissist to apologize for his behavior. He never does. When you get home he starts to play the victim. He tells you how he has PTSD from his last girlfriend cheating on him and he just doesn’t want to lose you because you are the best thing to ever happen to him. So again, you believe his lies and manipulation. It’s almost like lady gaga’s song “lets play a love game”. You are still a pawn on his board of life. He gives you the puppy dog eyes and some really satisfying sex and like a witch with a spell, he draws you back into his fantasy. Now remember when I said narcissist are misogynistic pigs? Well, standing on the other side of reality, I can tell you that the entire time he puts his love haze on you he is one step ahead of the game. He looks at you like you are stupid and you have just fallen for his bullshit again. You are worthless to him and he will keep playing you as long as you keep submitting. Narcissist are super calculated, and while they are huge contradictions walking, I will give them credit for being super smart. The narcissist knows how to use sex as a control tactic. He will use it every time he gets in trouble, not only with you, but with everyone he comes across in his life. This story is far from over. But this is only part 1. Keep your eyes on my blog for part two. I might have to make this a three part series. Exposure is the only real way to defeat narcissists and their games. The narcissist might be smart and calculated, but now, I am much smarter.