Stage 1: Coming back to reality.

Now I must add a disclaimer: This is my personal experience. So while I am choosing to be vulnerable, I will not condone negative comments. Please respect me and my story I am about to tell. When you first lose the narcissist, you will under-go serious withdrawal. Your dopamine and serotonin levels have been wrecked and your body is trying to self regulate. I remember getting night sweats. I had to sleep by myself and I wasn’t used to it. Then the nightmares happen, not only did I have flashbacks to the abuse my mother put me through, I had flashbacks to everything that myself and the narcissist had been through. I also replayed everything me and the new victim had been through. Some might say it was a form of PTSD. Did she know that she was hurting me while acting as my friend? Did she know that she too, was part of a nasty game? It’s been a while, I am sure by now she’s getting the hint. But I can confidently say I don’t care any more. I know deep inside that I didn’t miss him. I missed what I thought we were. I missed the fantasy of us, I had to come back to reality. Get rid of the lies and manipulation and start seeing people for their actions. After all, the old saying is “Actions speak louder than words”.I wish I had know how much my childhood would effect my adult choices. After the narcissist left me, I had major abandonment issues to conquer. I did not know how to be on my own. I realized that from my childhood, I was so used to learning how to read people’s emotions. It’s like a gift, I can tell when someone is upset or angry, it helps me avoid them so I don’t get hurt. It was easy for me to shut myself down and let the narcissist win every time. After further research I learned that they often times choose empaths because naturally we are non-confrontational. So their childish games and tantrums usually win every argument. The more awake I came through isolation (My own choice), the more I realized that although the narcissist plays a dirty game, I too, am at fault for not being more aware of what I had gotten myself into. While spending time alone after the narcissist, I was shedding my old shell and growing a newer thicker one. Metamorphosis if you will. I was growing from a young naive girl to a strong independent woman. The first step in the process was to learn how to be on my own again. I had spent so much time giving myself to the narcissist that I had forgotten who I truly was. It’s good for the spirit to spend time outdoors, so that’s what I did. At first, the anxiety was overwhelming. I was in hyper vigilante mode. I didn’t trust anyone. It was the anxiety that allowed me to realign my intuition. I had myself and my dog and together we got through the trauma. Sometimes, I think humans don’t deserve animals. Nothing shows true loyalty like a dog that knows how to comfort you when you are freaking out.

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