Do you remember when you were a kid, so carefree; full of excitement and happiness? I don’t. My life was always full of worry: What have I done wrong this time? Will I get dinner tonight? Have the other kids done something to piss off my mom causing her to lash out at me? That’s how it starts. From the very beginning my mother took away my confidence. I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough for her. She had seven children and somehow I was the one to receive all the abuse. That’s the thing about abuse..it’s covert. A lot of other people don’t know. Or maybe they assume that child is generally a bad child and so deserves any punishment they get. Most individuals are so quick to judge the surface of a situation without thinking on a more conscious level. My mother set the precedence for me to go on in life seeking approval from others and risking my own integrity to get it. Now picture this, an insecure little girl who never got the nourishment she deserved from her mother…She goes on to get in an abusive relationship. What are the odds? Actually, very high. Not having a good structure in the home can be very detrimental for young women who are trying to find themselves as they grow up. I will tell you how I got mixed up with a narcissistic sociopath. I remember the exact day we met. It was at the hospital. My sister was having her baby and he happened to be a mutual friend whom she declared godparent of her son. After further exploration I found out his name and added him on facebook. Like a moth drawn to the light I was in over my head. I had no rhyme or reason but the idea of being with this particular human gave me so much pride and joy. It was maybe 5 months into our relationship before I left everything behind to move away and be with him. In the beginning it was so magnetic. Everything was new and exciting, fulfilling my every desire. We were going on trips to Aspen, had our own townhouse. We both were financially stable and living life to the fullest. I was hypnotized by his charisma. We met people all the time, went out on the town and had amazing nights with people who were smart and dedicated. Over time, the happiness wore off. I started to realize maybe I was just a trophy to him. I was not getting any emotional feedback. Whenever I had a bad day or got hurt…he didn’t care. I found myself doing things just for his attention. He started to pull away from me. I would love to say I left at the first sign of abuse…but I didn’t. When the fireworks started to fade, I did what any woman would do….I blamed myself. I am not perfect enough, I could do better. When I confronted him on his behavior, somehow it turned into my fault. I was being “too sensitive” or my memory was wrong “That’s not how it happened”. I found myself going crazy. I kept a journal to keep my thoughts straight. When I confronted him on what I had written down because I knew I was right, he called me crazy for keeping a journal. Soon the fights were so exhausting…I was always wrong. I started keeping my mouth shut and just being there. I told him that I didn’t know what love was, but I knew whatever we had wasn’t it. I could never understand why he kept me around. It starts small, like little jokes at my character. Then it moves to public humiliation. I became his shadow. If the attention was on me, he was quick to change it back to himself. Sneaking behind corners to be alone with women. Bringing better females around to make me jealous (Which I never get jealous, maybe insecure but never jealous). I would ask him about their relationship and he would tell me they were “just friends”. Being young and naive I believed him. I was too exhausted to fight anymore. Then, just when I was ready to walk away…he pulled out all the cards. It was new years eve when he proposed to me just as the ball dropped. He was super drunk to the point that I could barely understand him. But I was ecstatic. Finally!! Someone wanted to keep me in their life. They wanted me to be around for the long haul. Before I knew it within the next few weeks we were at the courthouse signing papers. I was back in the game with him. I didn’t want a wedding because I didn’t see the point in spending so much money for a one-time expense. So, I saved what I could and we went on a cruise. I held down 3 jobs to take care of us because he had lost two jobs by this time. I assumed it was his bad health. He apparently had back problems as well as chronic pain. I suppose you could say I was starting to “wake-up” at this point because something was missing on our honeymoon. That spark was gone. I was noticing his erratic behavior. He would disappear to gamble, or get on the computers (which take forever in the middle of the ocean). I knew something was wrong. I felt more like a detective at this point. In my mind, we were newly weds, all these distractions shouldn’t be happening. I should be his focal point. I wasn’t. He was avoiding me. He was distancing himself. But there I was, doubting myself because of the gas lighting he put me through. I repeated the words in my head “maybe I am just being too sensitive, let him do his own thing”. As women, we are taught that we are dramatic, or too sensitive. That’s not fair. We are humans with feelings, and now I know, we have fucking amazing intuitions. I should have listened to my gut. At this point we were already living with friends because he had thrown a temper tantrum and gotten us kicked out of our home. But I was okay with it because it made him happy. I was doing everything I could to keep this one person happy because I felt like he deserved it. I felt like if anyone on this planet was going to understand him it was me. Then like a bomb everything just fell apart. I found myself messing up at work because I was under so much pressure. He wasn’t coming home. He would ignore me for days and then show up to apologize. One night I was in the house by myself and the heater was broken. I had to take a bath to keep myself warm because we were in Colorado in the middle of the winter. He didn’t care. I was walking my dog one night and got hit by a car. He didn’t care. Ask me why I stayed so long, I don’t really have an answer other than I was young and uneducated about abuse. I had experienced abuse my whole life so I didn’t see anything wrong with his behavior. I just assumed I was crazy. Then it happened, like a knife through my heart. He came home and said ” I have been cheating on you.” Then he left. I had no one. I had a few friends, but I was in full on abandonment crisis mode. I was sick for days replaying everything I had done and how I could have been better. I already talked about my struggles in my bio (Go read if you haven’t). But needless to say, I recovered. Slowly but surely I came to my senses. I will make more posts on the stages I went through when dealing with narcissistic abuse.